Sometimes I don’t understand the way in which humans communicate or emphasise with others; it seems that the human world judge’s mental health patients just as they would a criminal but in most cases criminals do have mental health issues. I could speak on behalf of a lot of people to say that when you are unwell, there has been a time when you have been treated like a criminal, an attention seeker, a mad case and most of all not a victim.
I know for a fact that if I had cancer, my story right now would be a lot different. No one would patronise and undermine me by trying to tell me that I had to control my symptoms or control my life because with cancer you cannot control your life. Mental illness is seen as different because it’s on the inside. If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn’t automatically presume that I had mental health issues, unless I was walking with my cuts on show or shouting to the world. People presume that you can control your symptoms of mental illness whatever that may be but you can’t. If people would sacrifice their own life and ruin their own bodies due to their mental health I am sure if they had the choice to stop feeling mentally ill, they would do so immediately.
Most of my life I have spent pretending to be someone that I am not, faking to the world that inside I am not severely traumatised and hurt. I walk around pretending to be strong because I don’t want to look a failure, I want everyone to see the strength I have and not let anyone down, perhaps this is due to my abuse where the world feels like a complete lie and you are only pretending to be happy for your abuser. It has only been until recently that I have got the courage to not be controlled by anything or anyone, in terms of making my own choices and my own life but it feels weird to be able to have my own say.
To a certain degree, mental health patients are getting better treatment but I cannot deny the fact that I have had a hell of a long journey to finally get the help that I deserve and I am still not sure whether that is the right kind of help for my disorder, you see when you are vulnerable you rely on those around you, and I have found within the mental health system I have made so many attachments with staff and then they have left without even a goodbye and that has re-triggered parts of my past, it’s a hard choice to make.
Most of my life, my energy has been taken up by ‘ fighting for my life’ whether it be through sexual abuse, freedom, education, family dynamics and my life there has never been a time when I have not had to fight. Fighting seems the only way in which I can survive, without fighting I’d die.
You see when I was born; I was like any other human, brought into the world by my two parents. I never chose to be abused and raped by my family members, it wasn’t a decision that I agreed too. I have had to life my life around my abuse and in time learn to live with the effects of my abuse which hasn’t been easy. I couldn’t just give up on the world and say because I was abused, I don’t want to be here anymore. Like every human we deserve respect, we deserve to live without the fear of being judged and tormented about our problems but just because I was sexually abused doesn’t mean I get it easy.
You see, when I got unwell about three years ago, I went downhill. I was a complete mess to put it bluntly, I had just told someone for the first time about my abuse and I couldn’t believe I had finally got the courage to admit such a thing. I ended up spending years fighting for my place in society due to my complex mental health needs to the point where my education was in jeopardy. I was so unwell so this meant that I had to be hospitalized since then I have fought to stay in education due to not getting the grades necessary for sixth form entries and because of my mental health problems causing problems at school, my education is always under threat because most but not all teachers, believe that I can control my mental health issues and give me impossible regulations to confide in.
Only recently have I wondered about who I really should trust or in fact where I should be, I am using the worlds a lot ‘where do I belong?’ this answer is impossible to answer right now but I know its somewhere were I can be my own person, not be judged or made to feel pressured to keep my symptoms under control, this place I need to find and I will one day.
I have always had the ambition to do well not only for myself but for the family I one day wish to have, I have never let my mental health issues ruin my life but others have managed to contradict my progress but I know I am going to get there in the end whether it be with other peoples help or just my own. I know I have every right to do well in terms of education and wealth, just like any other human being I shouldn’t be punished for being a young innocent victim when I was younger and I am not going to deal with it anymore not from anyone.
Today is the 9th of May 2012 and I have made the permanent decision to be my own person; not to follow or please other people before myself. To put myself first without the fear of being judged and once and for all, accept myself for who I am. I am a strong, intelligent, brave, courageous and determined young sexual abuse victim and I deserve respect.